“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir