Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
You Might Also Like
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Would you wear it?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…