Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice