Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
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My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?