If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”