“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice