Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
You Might Also Like
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.