“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Truth
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.