*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
You Might Also Like
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars