I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.