Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.