This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.