snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs