Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Not😆🤣
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.