A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.