Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
You Might Also Like
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Easy enough.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.