putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?