I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
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DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Just a reminder, folks:
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse