MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.