I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now