So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no