One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.