once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
LMAO
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?