[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Anyone want a chair?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.