I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Ovenable?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me recordaron éste meme
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.