My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
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SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die