People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
You Might Also Like
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My teenage children choosing violence
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.