google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please