Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today