Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Nice try, NASA
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.