on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
You Might Also Like
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions