[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
When he asks for feet pics
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.