If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
🤣
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary