A wise man once said nothing.
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[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”