Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
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Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
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extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”