Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
You Might Also Like
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.