[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The glockness monster
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet