Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece