Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
You Might Also Like
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
why isn’t he texting back
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.