Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
What the hell is going on?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.