Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
March 16
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
it’s the silliest best thing
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job