I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
You Might Also Like
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish