Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
this is the best day of my life
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af