I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
me logging onto twitter
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*