The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
me, too, girl. me, too.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”