dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
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What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.