it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
You Might Also Like
“That’s what” – She
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”