{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]