Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You Might Also Like
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
the icebreaker
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
🙁
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
selfie game
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”