[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Art by Pastelkatto
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship